"WHAT PERCENT OF MARRIAGES ARE RESTORED?"
"I know that after I leave, savage wolves will come in among you
and will not spare the flock. Even from your own number men will
arise and distort the truth in order to draw away disciples
after them." Acts 20:29-30
That is a question that we are asked often, and it is a question
for which we do not have an answer. Please allow me to amplify
today on the subject of percentages of marriages restored.
We know that on various sites you can read dazzling stats about
95% of the couples who follow a specific program being restored, or
98% of divorces being stopped. Most often, when an organization
attempts to influence you with stats, they have a something to
sell you. Percentages of success may be given, but seldom is
there a statement documenting how they arrived at that number.
There are several reasons why we do not keep percentage stats on
restoration. Foremost is the fact that many standers who are
restored never let us know. For example, on Friday we received a
fax to change a sander's address, because they had reconciled and
she was back with her husband. Had she not changed her mailing
address, we would have never known of success in their restoration.
We often hear of reconciliation from the email grapevine. The
couple themselves simply forget to let us know. In other cases, we
hear there is reconciliation when we discover that a once-prodigal
spouse has signed the monthly contribution check to us, of when we
receive a thank you letter from that person.
Another reason that restoration stats are misleading is because
not all prodigal spouses stay home on the first, or second, or
third attempt at reconciliation. For purposes of stats, do we count
them as restored at the first attempt? Do we remove them if the
spouse returns to sin?
Restoration is a process, which has taken us almost 20 years, and
continues to this day, (By the way, Charlyne considers herself to
be a stander to this day, as she prays for me, and all of our
family members.) Were we restored on the day we remarried, or on
the day God restored my love for my wife, which came later? Were
we restored on the day I decided to stay home? Was it the day I
tossed out the photo of the other person?
A second reason that stats cannot be recorded accurately is
because of people's differing use of the word "restored." For
example, if a spouse comes home because he or she is broke, and
has no other place to live, are they restored, reconciled, or
simply living together? Are they restored when that spouse accepts
Christ?
To help you understand why restoration stats are misleading,
please allow me to share a personal story with you. While growing
up, my life's goal was to become a funeral director. During my
senior year in high school, I went to work as a night attendant at
the large funeral home in our town. Since the funeral home
operated the community's ambulance service, there were
several "night men" on duty overnight each evening. We answered
the door for visitations, ran ambulance calls, cleaned the building
after closing, stayed in the dormitory all night for calls, and
washed funeral cars the following morning, before leaving for high
school. I thought I had the grandest job in the world, all for five
(1963) dollars a night.
All of the young night attendants dreamed of when we would become
funeral directors, only having to work ever fourth night, instead
of every other night, and also be exempt from washing cars.
All that stood in our way was a three year apprenticeship, a year
at school out of state, a tough state board examination, another
year of internship, and finally a second state board exam.
How many of my fellow night men became funeral directors? There
is no way to tell. Most did not, simply because they gave up. No
one was stopping them from pursuing that dream, but many found the
hours grueling, and the tasks too difficult to do day after day.
Many settled for another career, but some of them still regret not
having pursued obtaining that coveted license.
Doesn't it seem that young funeral director interns sound like
standers? The course of action is all mapped out for them, and
they will be successful, if they stay the course, but something,
looking like a better opportunity, has drawn them aside.
I personally know funeral apprentices who have lived with a life
of regret, for not staying the course to obtain licensure. I also
know even more men and women who are living lives of regrets
because they did not wait for God to heal their marriage. They
took a detour that may have included a replacement spouse, but
never got them to their destination. Fortunately, some of these
come back to continue standing, but most simply live a life of what
could have been.
It is interesting that of all the other men I worked with at the
funeral home, no one in authority told any of them, "You can't
become a funeral director." For some, they listened to family and
people around them, hearing such statement as, "They are making
you work too many hours," or "There are better jobs you can get."
The young men who gave up their dream listened to the voices around
them. For most of them, those who voiced those opinions are not
around today, but nevertheless, their dream of a career was taken
from them.
Do you realize that many standers function in that same way? They
listen to someone telling them they deserve better in life than a
prodigal who does not appear to even want them. Charlyne and I
know scores of standers, who were on the way to restoration, but
the Enemy sent a counterfeit their way. They stopped standing
quicker than a funeral director intern offered a job with shorter
hours and more pay quits. The temporal rewards drew them away from
what God has planned for them.
In a few years, those who voice the "get on with your life"
opinions are nowhere around, yet that former stander lives a life
filled with regrets for hasty decisions. Somewhere along the way,
they stop praying for their prodigal. Instead of being drawn to
Christ, when a spouse gives up on a mate living in sin, most often
the prodigal is bound for Hell, with no one praying for them to
change.
I also worked with men who stayed the course to become funeral
directors, but then decided, after all the training, the career
was not for them. My wife and I work with restored marriages, where
someone decides that change is not coming quick enough, and the
suitcase comes out again. Should we count that as a restored
marriage for the sake of stats?
Our goal is to see every couple we know reconcile, restored, and
every member of their family loving and serving Jesus. To us, those
are the stats that really matter, if someone remembers to let us
know!
If you were to ask that funeral home owner how many funeral home
attendants went on to become licensed funeral directors, he would
have no way of telling you, because of the fluid nature of the
stats. Likewise, we have no way of telling you accurately how
many marriages are restored for standers. We do knew, that in both
funeral service, and in standing, if you will stay the course, you
will see success at the proper time.
Meanwhile, when some organization, who wants to separate you from
your money, cite astonishing stats for reconciliation, you would
be wise to inquire how the stats are gathered, and what they mean.
Our goal is to see families restored. The record keeping of
success rates is God's to determine, and not ours. If He blesses
Rejoice Marriage Ministries with an 85 or 90 or 99 percent
restoration rate, the glory goes to Him, and not to anything we
have done.
There are some percentage rates we can thank the Lord for. If you
are serious about standing, and do your best to live for Christ,
He will hear your prayers 100% of the time. He will meet your
needs 100% of the time. He will be your Comforter and your
Protector 100% of the time.
"The Lord's hand was with them, and a great number of people
believed and turned to the Lord." Acts 11:21
- Bob Steinkamp
Home
|
|
