Bob responds:
The foremost question on the heart of any prodigal who ever gives thought to returning home is a simple one; "What's different now?" It does not matter if you are separated because of adultery, abuse, alcoholism or any of the rest of the alphabet of causes, your spouse wants to know what has changed so that this nightmare will not repeat itself.
Most standers make the mistake of volunteering what is different, reciting to their prodigal about a closer walk with the Lord and how much He has changed them. Your absent spouse does not want to hear your words; he or she wants to observe the changes.
"Me change?" someone is thinking. "My spouse was the one who committed adultery, not me. Let them change!" You need to stop playing the blame game. Satan is the one at fault for your situation. He attacked your family by using a preexisting spiritual weakness in one or both parties. Gradually, the enemy took over that person, until they were his captive, as described in Ephesians. Let's follow a typical family from the thousands we have on our mailing list and attempt to discover why the spouse has not come home.
It could be a husband or wife, but let's say that Jack becomes too friendly with Susie at work. That is the point of the enemy's attack. They progressed from being co-workers to having lunch together most days. As they got to know each other, things reached the, "I'll tell you my problems and you can tell me yours" stage. One of Jack's "problems," be it true or not, was related as a poor or non-existant sex life at home. While Jack still went home to Jill each evening, it was Susie, not Jill, who occupied his thoughts.
At some point and in some way, Jack and Susie crossed the physical line. From that moment on, the enemy who had attacked Jack back in the pre-lunch days now has full control of the man. He is hearing in his spirit, "You are not good enough for Jill. She doesn't meet your needs, but Susie sure does!" "You deserve some happiness, not just a wife and kids." He is hearing from Susie, in a hundred subtle ways, "We have a future. Leave your wife for me." The other person may even be giving your guilt-filled spouse ultimatums that they must make a choice. Can you imagine? The choice was made when you married. Satan has now taken full control.
Confused Jack moves out of the family's home, leaving behind a shocked Jill. She knew something had changed in him, but assumed it was job pressure or mid-life crisis, or sadly, she blames herself. You may be to blame for not praying for your family, but certainly not for the break-up. That credit goes to the Enemy, who is out to destroy every family, thus destroying every church, thus destroying society itself.
The months or years following are a blur of lawyers, protection orders, battles over the unimportant, court dates, many tears and all the rest that most standers know too well. Jack, silently bearing the guilt for all of this, tells himself, "Jill hates me. She probably hated me the entire time. It is best we are divorcing." At the same time, Susie is pushing marriage. Jack half-heartedly agrees, knowing if he does not, that he will lose Susie. By some means, the news is mysteriously leaked so that Jill will hear there is a wedding being planned, adding to her devastation.
Meanwhile, God, in His love for Jack and Jill and their family, used some means to introduce Jill to standing with Him and praying for the restoration of Jack back to his Heavenly Father, and to his family. Jill turns not to people, but to her Lord God for her support, her direction and her decisions. During her stand, she becomes less of
the abandoned and angry woman she had been and more like Jesus every day. Her Bible replaces her newspaper as her source of information. Jill's taste in music has changed to Christian music. Prayer takes more time than the computer. She is teachable. She has a burden for Jack's soul, now destined for Hell, unless he changes.
Jack's sinful relationship is not going well. Susie is not the happy person he used to dream about all the time. She is demanding and controlling. (Do you know why? She knows that her days with Jack are numbered and she is hanging on in any way she can.)
Jack sees Jill every other weekend when he picks up the children, or when he picks up his mail. Gone is the angry, spiteful woman who sat at the opposite table in court. She has a peace that Jack wishes he could find. She is kind to Jack and always agreeable. The day comes when Jack stands on his own porch, ringing his own door bell and is excited to see Jill, if only for a couple of minutes. It is almost like when they were first falling in love. He feels good when Jill calls out, "I'm praying for you," as he walks away.
This marriage is at a crossroad. If Jill continues to stand, there will come a day when Jack starts to confide in his wife. He will walk inside his home and have his heart almost burst with good memories. He will wish that he could rewind the clock and never have met Susie. Jill will become more serious about standing. She may fast often, and not waste time online. She recognizes she is approaching the biggest battle of this spiritual war for her husband's soul and for her marriage.
What if Jill takes the other road? She feels God has had enough time and nothing seems to be happening. (But she can't see inside Jack's heart!) What if she gives up standing and gets on with her life, like everyone tells her to do? Some day another man will be opening Jack's front door when he rings. Both Jack and Jill will revert to angry people, at war not against Satan, but with one another. Jack and Jill will probably both go on to second, and possible third marriages. Left behind will be a string of brokenhearted children.
Jill continues to stand and to grow in the Lord and praying God would change her before he changes Jack. Then Jill and their home will become a spiritual magnet for Jack. He will find the peace there that he is seeking. Jill, still wearing her wedding rings, may become like the other woman, as Jack shaves the truth to Susie in order for him to see his covenant wife. Experts, of which I am not, have said that prodigal spouses may live with one foot in each of two worlds, as they test the water.
The prodigal comes home for the birthday parties and then suddenly leaves, even disappearing for a time, with no contact. I like to compare this to the pendulum on a clock. Pull the pendulum all the way back toward home and when released, it will go farther to the other side, but always returns.
What's a stander to do? Jill is not even married to Jack, yet he drops in at home as if nothing ever happened. She should be rejoicing, because Jack is on the way home. Jack has a tremendous battle going on inside, between right and wrong. He is guilt-filled
and plays the "What if..." game over leaving Susie. Satan is losing the war for this family and will pull out his major weapons at this point.
All the time, Jack is going to be asking himself, "What's different now?" Charlyne and I pray that all the "Jacks" will readily see that things are different because you have now based your life on the Lord Jesus Christ. You are living His way, and silently inviting the one you love to come home to a totally different spouse.
We acknowledge that not every situation will match this composite of fictional Jack and Jill presented here. Charlyne and I pray that you will find something herein that will help you understand the dilemma of prodigal spouses who visit, but can't move home (yet!)
"The Spirit of the Lord will come upon you in power, and you will prophesy with them; and you will be changed into a different person." I Samuel 10:6
These answers have developed in response to questions we have received over many years. May you consult the answers with an open Bible and an open heart, thus allowing God's Holy Spirit to help you find the truth.
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